the silver lining

I can’t remember what day it is. I’m grouchy, exhausted and I have insomnia. My bones ache. There are bakery boxes stacked all over the the living room. I’m awake at 5:16am. I have been working nonstop. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

As promised and as usual, I will be honest with you on this blog about my experience first to leave my desk job, and now to continue to navigate that journey. And today, it all hurts. That’s what’s honest today. I want to snap my fingers and be anywhere else.

What’s interesting about this experience, though, is that I have no choice but to move through it. I cannot speed it up, I cannot wish it away, I cannot cancel it or get out of it by making a phone call. I have no choice but to walk through the fire, if I may be so melodramatic.

My left knee is killing me. I have no idea why. I haven’t exercised in a week. I’m going to strangle someone over it. THERE’S NO TIME TO EXERCISE. I’ve missed birthday parties, record releases and holiday parties. I’m up at 5am because I cannot effing sleep. But I just have to move through it.

I’ve started saying to Kevin, who, by the way, has been literally by my side for all of this, “Two more days. Just two more days.” Because in two days, we will have shipped out the second of our two big corporate orders. We won’t be done then, but things will slow down significantly. We won’t be spending every waking hour of every day working toward this.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful for our success. I hope everyone knows that. I am so grateful for so many of the wonderful things I have in my life, including the opportunity to have had this experience. I’m venting tonight though. I have a splitting headache tonight.

If it weren’t for Kevin, who has been just incredible, I would be lying under the kitchen table crying. Kevin is a hard worker, a thoughtful partner and he’s been invaluably committed to this journey with me. Thank you, my love. And then there are my friends. I’ve had no fewer than nine close friends come over to my apartment to help Kevin and I get these orders out the door. This is nothing short of beautiful to me. These people are amazing people. Thank you Katie, James, Marina, Blue, David, Tim, Meg, Matt and Clayton. You are generous, big-hearted people. You are the silver lining.

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3 thoughts on “the silver lining

  1. “The best way out is through.”

    Im’ really excited for you. And I completely understand the need to share your exhaustion despite your happiness about being successful.

    You earned it, babe.

  2. Oh Jen, it’s so OK to be overworked & overwhelmed & exhausted & cranky. If it’s any consolation, it’s a help for Those That Plan To Leave Their Day Jobs. I, for one, have totally glamorized it yet know there will be days like you described above – and you can’t call in sick.

    I hope you have a big fat celebration/relaxation all ready to go. And don’t forget to revel in the fact that you’re making this work. My God woman, you are so making this work.

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