the psychic

When we were in New Orleans I went to see a psychic! The meeting was a gift from my aunt. She and her best friend had had their cards and auras read when they’d visited before and I loved listening to their experiences, so we decided to find someone to read me.  Plus, it sounded like a fun way to kill a little time between daiquiris.

So we found a little voodoo shop where they offered readings and I sat down with ________. I can’t remember her name. Can you believe it? That’s either a really bad sign or a really good sign.

Either way, I spent half an hour with this friendly older lady who closed her eyes tightly and tried to “feel my energy.” I like astrology and will happily read about it from time to time, and I can suspend my disbelief with things like ghosts and mediums and the existence of auras. I’m not a believer nor a detractor. I’m just along for the ride and happy to participate and explore.

So it was fun to watch this sweet woman try to pick up clues about me, either from my tone of voice or the information I was giving her, or because of her innate ability to read my energy. I don’t really care which it was, and perhaps they’re one in the same. Regardless, it was a fun self-indulgence to have someone talk to me about myself for 30 minutes straight.

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my job and my career

Kevin snapped this as he was walking home from the subway late last night. I was already fast asleep when he arrived and woke up at 7am to an email from a partner at the law firm telling us all to stay home. Snow day!

I’ve come off the ledge since my last post. Turns out I was experiencing some PMS-inspired moodiness. No one died and I’ve felt a lot better over the last few days.

This is the second time I’ve had a real snow day off from work in the last month. What could be better??

I’ve realized something recently that I can’t deny. This job is exactly what I need right now. I’m hesitant to say that because I don’t want to have to work there for a long time. But the circumstances of my current career situation being what they are, I’m grateful for this setup.

I’m surprised and delighted every single time I get paid. I have relative flexibility in the sense that I haven’t had to miss anything yet – I’ve been able to take off for important HST shows and I’ll get to go on a family trip in April. My health insurance just kicked in last week and that’s a nice feeling, and I’ve been able to make a serious dent in some minor credit card debt I’ve been carrying around.

PLUS, Kevin’s able to work from home right now managing HST gigs, working on his own projects (He and some colleagues launched SiCKPUPPY.tv this week!), playing Mister Mom to our two babies cats and doing some important research on what we’ll do next with Fanny & Jane.

My boss has been out of the office this entire week. It means I have time to put toward my own career goals…saying nothing of today, of course, which I’ve spent at home in my pajamas doing laundry and writing. He travels a fair amount and it’s always a welcome break when he’s gone. When he’s in the office, I generally want to be instantly whisked away to another world. But it’s all still bearable. And in exchange for the support this job is providing my lifestyle? I’ll take it.

I had a great time on Sunday at brunch with a few incredible women I’d never met before. The get together was organized by our dear friend Michelle (the When I Grow Up Coach), who knows us each personally and thought we might make a good group of ambitious Brooklyn ladies who can support each other in our disparate career journeys. It was a relief to meet and connect with these women, who are all exploring and uncovering how to navigate their careers as entrepreneurs and creative people. Our conversation was reassuring and comforting.

After I told my story, who I am and how I ended up where I am today, I heard myself saying “The reality of my life is that I could have to quit my day job in three months to write a movie, or I may end up having to go to LA to make a TV show next year. Or anything else…or nothing else…And there’s the bakery, and my writing stuff, and teaching. And it’s all exciting but it can also be a real challenge to be patient and let it all unfold.” (That isn’t exactly what I said, but who can remember.)

So as hard as it is to be patient, I’m working on letting it unfold.

day by day

First of all, look at these two. My loves.

Secondly, look at this gorgeous blog!! I haven’t been over to visit Michelle’s blog in a while – I read her posts on my blackberry because my job is a little insane sometimes and I seek respite in the bathroom stall with my phone. Yup.

Michelle is the When I Grow Up Coach! And she and her husband Luke have become good friends of Kevin and mine in the last year. I just ventured over to her site on a real computer for the first time in a while (on my brand new Macbook Pro, in fact) and it looks stunning. So proud of her. If you ever want to be inspired, encouraged, motivated or shaken out of your comfort zone, go check her out. She’s a quickly rising star.

It’s a cozy Wednesday night, I’m sick with a head cold and I’m sitting on my couch watching “Miracle Detectives” on the OWN network. I hate to be predictable but this new Oprah channel is definitely up my alley. Kevin’s back is out, the poor dear, and he’s been home dealing with it for the last three days. Otherwise I’ve been slogging away at work, buried in paper.

January. I historically hate this month, but I’m not minding it so far. Day by day, enjoying my darling boyfriend, my sweet cats, and my routine. Waking up earlier has been nice so far and peaceful. I think it will be good for me if I can stick to it. Getting out of bed is hard, but once I do, I’m much happier moving around at a peaceful pace.

I start teaching a new class tomorrow – Intermediate Sketch Writing – and I’m excited about it! Nervous too. And then things will rev up and I’ll be doing 3-4 shows a week, having 2 rehearsals, teaching a class and maybe having a couple meetings.

In essence, I work double shifts. I’d never give up the second job, and right now I’m choosing to do the first job so I can pay for the second. It can’t be this way forever, but it’s not so bad for now.

it’s time for a pot of coffee

I’ve been snuggled up in my house watching Dexter and Weeds for the last 20 hours. It’s been fantastic.

Tonight we’ll venture out to a New Year’s Eve party in Greenpoint with good friends. I’m thinking we’ll cab there and back and really enjoy ourselves.

My only plan for tomorrow is a yoga class. An indulgent, yummy, relaxing one.

Right now I’m off to make a pot of coffee.

I’m having a great holiday break.

 

the dirty thirty

I have so many photos to share from my birthday trip to Florida! This one was taken during the delightful sunset marine life cruise we took off the coast of Sarasota.

Most of the rest of the shots are intimate close-ups of all the sinful food I ate including but not limited to Mexican, fried breakfast items and a delicious steak and potatoes meal from a fine dining establishment.

All in all, I had a nice time in Florida with Kev and got to reconnect with my mom and stepdad, both of whom I’m lucky to have in my life because they’re fun and nice and smart and they laugh at my jokes.

And now I’m 30! It happened just like that. Overnight.

I’m having a birthday party at my apartment in Brooklyn this weekend with some friends. Looking quite forward to it. (If you’re in New York and you’d like to come – please do! Email me for details. We have two cats, so consider your stance on that first.)

I’m still adjusting to being an old woman, but so far it’s not so bad. I feel mostly happy to have gotten the transition itself over with, which seems to have been the worst part. Now I just feel confident, mature, responsible, and like I can do whatever the hell I want because I’m 30, bitches!

Work is fine. It’s not exactly what I want to be doing with my time, but I’m not entirely sure what else I would be doing with my time right now. Plus, making money is a good reason to get up in the morning.

Speaking of which, I finally settled my boots search on these little darlings, which are Clarks, arrived in the mail from Zappos yesterday and are as comfortable as can be. They’re exactly what I wanted.

Thirty: kicking ass, taking names, and only buying boots that I really love.

 

eight years later!

Well, I totally dropped the ball on my promise to do some “good ol’ fashioned desk job entries” last week.

It’s Monday. And I’m still working an office temp gig this week (which has just been extended by a few days due to an unforeseen circumstance in the office). It pays well and I’m enjoying the routine. In fact, I think it’s making me more productive all-around. Interesting!

That said, I’m also busy as eff.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t point out that today is a special day for me. September 27 will always hold an important place in my heart because it’s the day I started losing weight in 2002. On this day eight years ago, I was a very, very heavy young woman. I weighed over 265 pounds, looked awful, felt worse, and had maaaybe owned three pieces of clothing I could fit into. It was a miserable reality.

Losing the weight and keeping it off hasn’t always been a cake-walk, but I feel so blessed to realize that eight years later, I’m so much thinner, happier, healthier and feel more at peace with my body than ever before. Changing my habits and behaviors wasn’t just a phase – I really DID it.

Do I still have to keep myself from eating too many french fries and force myself to workout? All the time. But those day to day mini-battles are meaningless (which is why I rarely talk about them) when compared to the big picture.

Eight years ago, on this day, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to change my physical reality. And I did. The old, fat me is screaming joyfully from the rooftops right now.

Moving on, here are a couple orders of business:

1.) My latest article’s over up at Spring!

2.) If you’re looking for a some direction in your professional or personal life my dear friend Michelle Ward, the When I Grow Up Coach (and one half of a coupla married cuties with whom Kevin and I love to double date), has partnered with her colleague and a very talented artist, Jessica Smith, to launch a brilliant new website and e-course called The Declaration of You! I love their plan and their passion, and I’m going to be taking the course MYSELF! So, maybe you should too?

lessons from my summer

How pretty is this little girl? I was so happy to see her and her brother this morning when we got home from the airport.

I’m back from a Labor Day weekend in Las Vegas! I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding at the Mandalay Bay – we had a lovely time. And the bride and her new hubby looked beautiful and happy. (Thanks for a fun weekend, Mal!)

Wedding activities aside, Vegas kicked my ass. We partied a lot, rode the giant coaster (on which I broke my glasses), won some money, lost some money, won some more, and everything in my suitcase smells like cigarette smoke and that weird floral scent they pump into the casinos.

I hadn’t been to Vegas since I was 15-years-old. I love it there. Love the weather, the lights, the 24-hour party, the gambling, the people-watching. I could never live there, but I’ll visit any day.

Now we’re back in NYC and a new week will begin bright and early tomorrow morning. I’m reflecting on what a weird, but unexpectedly life-affirming summer I’ve had. It’s been spent worrying sometimes about where my next paycheck’s coming from, and celebrating sometimes exciting successes along my new career path. I feel hopeful and curious about what the coming months will bring.

This summer has taught me a few key lessons.

1.) Money is fluid. It’s meant to come in and out of your life. To bring yourself to a state of panic when funds are low does nothing but cause you unproductive discomfort. Do what you love and the money will come. It’s true.

2.) Support other people. There is enough success, love, money, happiness, fulfillment and inspiration to go around. Being genuinely happy for other people doesn’t take anything away from your own path – it makes you feel good. And being selfish or competitive is transparent.

3.) You can be your own worst critic or your own best friend. It’s up to you.

I’m so excited for fall, you guys. I’m looking forward to a lot of travel, a lot of work, and my 30th birthday in exactly 2 months. I’m also looking forward to some exciting changes on the blog in the month of October.

Have a great week!

thank you!

Yesterday I vowed to combat my Blackberry obsession (it’s really more like a neurotic tic) for the next few days, at least. It’s the perfect week to be less connected since half the world is on vacation, plus I’m headed to Vegas tomorrow for my cousin’s wedding! I can’t be medically dependent on my phone when I’m trying to win jackpots, you guys. Get real.

So when I checked Twitter last night before bed, my jaw dropped to discover that The Frisky had posted my article yesterday afternoon! I had no idea it went up.

And I was even more surprised to find a bunch of really thoughtful, positive comments. So thank you for reading, commenting and for your emails, tweets and Facebook messages. I’m truly, truly humbled by all the generous and warm responses.

The truth is, it’s a little intimidating to post such a personal story on the Internet. I’m not a particularly private person because I don’t see any need to keep secrets. But telling a story like this in all its scandalous glory on such a widely read site still involves some letting go on my part.

More than anything though, I am reminded that I have nothing to hide. In short, I went through an incredibly difficult time in my early twenties that felt like a death as it was happening. Sure, there are some embarrassing details associated with the whole mess, but I can’t be ashamed of any of it. It happened. And it’s a story I’m compelled to tell.

If readers can relate, are moved, or if it helps them with something in their own life, I’m honored.

so I scrubbed the hell out of the shower

This day was a long one. I’m sitting on the couch now, at 12:30am, after a 15-hour non-stop day, grouchy, hungry and too stubborn to do anything about any of it. (I mean, I’ll probably have a snack.)

I’m tired. I’ve been working a lot. Long hours. For days. I don’t think I’ve taken an entire day off in a long time. Woe is me, right?

YES. WOE IS ME.

Today was a mixture of a lot of things – some pleasure, some business – but it may have been too much because I’m down for the count now. I’m lucky to have the option to sleep in tomorrow. Very lucky.

I was rereading old blog entries recently, entries from when I was still working at my desk job and trying to keep my negativity in check, trying to keep my situation in perspective, and daydreaming about, well, now. A time when I’d be freer and “happier,” I assumed.

I am MUCH happier in many ways. But this is also a tough, tiring road. Building a career from what often feels like scratch, working toward stuff that sometimes feels elusive, intangible and undefined, laying in bed every night wondering what the next day will bring, what the next month will bring. I know, I know, there’s only power in the Now.

Tell it to my bank account and my busy mind.

I don’t mind the struggle. It exists. And I wouldn’t go back to that desk job for anything. Things are…good. I’m content within my unrest, if that’s possible. I feel further along on this journey to figure out what the hell I’m gonna be when I grow up than I ever have before. Good things happen every single day.

I do yearn for a time when my career is not the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.

All in good time I suppose.

Anyway. I got home tonight, feeling all those things and a million others, feeling all mixed up and hot and sweaty and sick of everything. And I went into the bathroom to rinse off. I brought with me a sponge and a bottle of all-natural cleaner, almost unconsciously. And then I turned on the steaming hot water, got undressed, got in, and scrubbed the hell out of the shower.

I have no idea why I did that. I’ve never done it before. But it felt great.

who stands like that?

(image via Jezebel.com)

I’m not crazy about magazines like this one, but I’m not gonna lie – I totally read them from time to time. Like at the dentist’s office or the airport. Or when one winds up in my purse because somebody took money out of my wallet and handed it to the guy. Sheesh.

They’re candy, for sure. But I tend to agree with Jezebel.com‘s assertion that these types of magazines claim to be about women’s health, but are more often about how to lose weight, get thin and be a super woman while you do it.

Still, I usually feel hopeful when I open one up. Something on the cover catches my eye (“Get fit for life in 4 minutes a day and never break a sweat? NO WAY!”), but by the time I flip to the article, I’ve already seen 12 pictures of perfect women in bikinis who couldn’t pick a stretch mark out of a line-up, and four different “Lose 12 pounds in 2 Weeks!” diet menus that are so unrealistic for my lifestyle I might as well be homeless.

My self-esteem tries to pretend it hasn’t noticed the hot bikini babes or how different my thighs are from theirs, while I curse my inability to enjoy salmon. Or cook almost anything.

But, blah blah blah who cares, right? We’re all “victims” of our “culture” and who needs another blog entry about women’s magazines and how they make us feel bad about ourselves. (This won’t be the last one…)

I’m only bringing it up today to mention the following: Do you realize how far to the right Kim Kardashian is actually crossing her leg to achieve that weird angle? I mean, she looks good. But I guarantee, if you could see both her legs, they’d  look bizarre as heck. Who stands like that?!

Oh, magazines. We will never quit you. And you will never be honest with us. It’s the perfect dysfunctional relationship.

Pass the cookies!