change: good or bad?

I woke up this morning (late – which is becoming a trend as my body starts to catch wind of the fact that we won’t have to do this for much longer) and even though I only had ten minutes to get ready and get out the door, I remained under the covers while fluffy little Kaia snuggled up against me, demanding her morning cuddles. I stared up at the ceiling and said out loud, “Nine more days.”

YES. I’m glad.

And.

I’m scared.

Now, I spend a lot of time here talking about how excited I am, what a great opportunity this is, what a gift I’ve given myself, how eager I am to make good use of the time afforded to me once I’m no longer working. And I really do feel that way. So please don’t misunderstand. Being scared is only part of what I’m going through. I’m also thrilled. But as the days tick down and the moment grows nearer, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being a bit nervous. Change is always accompanied by uncertainty.

I have stayed at this job as long as I have due largely in part to my health insurance. I wanted to stay on until early October, October 2 to be exact, so that I could keep my insurance until the end of the month. (My boss didn’t feel that staying on until early October was fair. She said that if I wanted the insurance until the end of October, I needed to stay on until at least mid-October. Otherwise she’d be paying for my health insurance without the benefit of having me work here. From her perspective, I get that. I also won’t go into how ridiculous I think it is. I digress…) So, I’m grateful to have my insurance until the end of the month and I’ve been using it for things like annual checkups and any prescriptions I might need. And it dawned on me that I might be able to squeeze in a few sessions with my old therapist too.

So I got in touch with her, checked out the insurance situation, and it turns out that my particular carrier and plan is the only insurance she takes. It seemed destined that I should make an appointment, so I did just that. I’m a bit anxious about it, because I haven’t been in therapy for several years, but only good can come out of chatting with her. I’m going to see her this Wednesday and will hopefully check back in with her a couple times before my insurance is gone at the end of the month. I think it will be great to revisit her for a few sessions as I enter into this major life transition. She knew me “when” and she knows me well. It’s going to be like seeing a long lost friend or a family member you haven’t talked to in years. Except it’s a family member whose personal life you know nothing about, you don’t even know if she has kids, a dog or if she’s allergic to pizza. Even so, I’m looking forward to it. This was a good decision on my part because it will help calm my nerves about this experience.

Another way I’ve allayed my anxiety recently is this: I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before my last day at this job. Look into this, call so and so about that, brainstorm about this, write that. It was overwhelming the hell out of me. I’d sit at this receptionist desk everyday completely unable to tackle any of the big ticket items on my list, those things that I originally thought would be great ways to prime myself for my upcoming freedom. But I recently realized that those things I want to look into, write, brainstorm and meet with people about are the things I’ll want to be doing once I leave my job, not while I’m still here. Those are the things I’ll fill my days with, the ways I’ll keep active and sharp, until something more concrete presents itself. So I took them off my list to be revisited later and I can breathe a bit easier now that there’s not much remaining on the list of things to do before my last day besides, “Go to dentist.” Which I probably won’t do anyway. Because I HATE THE EFFING DENTIST. I’d rather drink a milkshake made from glass.

My fears remain, though. And they’re coming from a few places. For one thing, looking around at the state of the world right now makes me wonder if this was the right time to make this move. I stand firm that it was the right time for me personally. And I believe more in that kind of timing than I do in timing based on the global economy, for instance. But when I read things like a blog entry recently posted by my friend Marina about her painstaking search for a part-time job, I get a little nervous. Granted, Marina and I are at different places in our lives, looking for different things, and to compare my situation to hers is not a good use of my mental energy. But it’s hard to read about her woes and not anticipate some of my own as I feel empathy for her.

Another place my fear comes from is my recent understanding of how impulsive and ultimately half-invested I can often be. I will dream up a new project, aggressively tackle it for X period of time, and then become bored, lose interest and neglect it. This is a trait I share with my good friend Blue, who often talks and writes about how difficult it can be for her to really commit to a project and see it through to the end without bouncing around to other things first. From the outside, a trait like this might seem like laziness or immaturity but I can tell you from standing inside it that it most certainly has nothing to do with that.

The inability to commit, or perhaps, conversely, the ability to dip your toes into several different streams, and to maybe even swim a few strokes down those streams before realizing that this might not be the ideal stream, has so much more to do with craving something that’s a great fit for your personality than it does with being lazy. It has more to do with the desire to find something that’s truly exciting to you, to spend your time in a way that’s truly fulfilling to you, and not to let yourself off the hook about seeking out the lifestyle you dream of having. So I suppose I can choose to view my bouncing around as a positive trait, one that will aid me and has aided me on this journey. I definitely want to impart to other people that there’s nothing wrong with trying dozens of lifestyles on for size until you find one that fits. How are you supposed to know what’s right for you without trying it on first? And anyone who judges you for changing your mind can go climb a tree.

But it can be a little embarrassing and humbling to put it all out there like I’m doing with this blog. I try not to shout from the rooftops about any of my new big “plans” unless and until they’re a bit more realized, but the bottom line is that I’m going to start projects that I don’t finish. I’m going to come up with career changes that I don’t end up implementing. And I’m going to share it with all of you. When I began writing about this process, it was never meant to be pretty or neat or tied up with a bow. Finding out who you are and what you want to be when you grow up comes easily to some people, but there isn’t such a simple answer for others. There’s nothing wrong with trying on different hats along the way. And I’m glad I’ve been able to bravely share with you all the different aspects, as messy as they sometimes are, of choosing to find your bliss. I’ll wear the messiness as a badge of courage, I suppose.

Still, when every other day is met with my new “brilliant” plan or a new big idea, I grow a little fearful that I’m going to be this way forever – that I will never decide on a path and invest fully in its realization, that I will be 50 years old and still trying on different hats. Maybe that’s okay, who’s to say. But I worry about it.

Again, that is fear. And I need to follow that fear and see where I come out. And I need to quiet that fear and trust that I am a capable human being. And I need to remind myself that I’m so young and have so many years to figure this all out. And I need to stop worrying what other people think of the process, or comparing my process to theirs.

Do I want to write full-time? Do I want to write a book? Could I sell a book? Do I want to write a website? Do I really want to be a baker? Do I want to work with others, or alone? Do I like exercise and nutrition enough to make a career out of it? Is my yoga practice just a phase? What other projects are just my passing fancy? Should I be working to make my performance stuff more than just a hobby? Do I care enough? What do I have to offer the world? Isn’t somebody, or a hundred somebodies, already offering the world anything and everything I could possibly offer? Have I made a bunch of terrible mistakes that I can never undo? Shouldn’t I be trying to help people, above all else?

And.

Will I be happy once I’m no longer working at this office? What if this office hasn’t been a source of my unhappiness, but just a convenient place to put the blame? What if I’m more confused, conflicted and unhappy when I’m not working here? What if I don’t find fulfillment in cooking, exercising and spending time with my friends? What if I can’t even get a meal on the table? What if I never write another intelligent thing? What if I’m bored as hell? What if my relationship crumbles? What if I go broke? What if I end up depressed and unmotivated and camped out on my couch watching Cold Case Files and eating luke warm soup all day long?

Fear. It’s so much easier (and less courageous) to dwell in the scary unknown than it is to believe the beautiful possibilities.

And I haven’t got a neat bow with which to tie this all up, either.

Yikes.

reminding myself

Lately, I have been so bizarrely content to lay on the couch watching TV for hours that I don’t recognize myself. Part of me is like, Uh oh. The other part of me is like, Rock on, lady. TV rules.

No Mom, I’m not going to lay around watching TV when I no longer have a job. I’m just trying to make a point. I’m tired. Is the point.

The purgatory of these last few weeks is exhausting. Or maybe the years I’ve spent trying to juggle all these commitments of mine are finally catching up to me.

All the stuff I’ve been packing into my days for the last seven or eight years – getting back into school and graduating, the weight loss, the exercise habit, ending a troubled relationship, entering into my first healthy Big Girl Relationship complete with We Live Together Now, the various paycheck jobs, the comedy jobs, more recently the bakery – it’s all stuff I’m so grateful to have and to have experienced. And it’s also a lot of work, lots of hours, lots of things that fill up each day, schedules that find me leaving the house at 9am and returning at 11pm, not yet having eaten dinner. And it’s been that way for a long time. Makes sense, really. I’m in my twenties and I don’t have kids – what better time to pack up my schedule until I can’t see straight. And I’m glad to have done it. Before I had this kind of schedule, I had the kind of schedule where I sat around, fat and unhappy, and did next to nothing. So I’d say this is an improvement. But it’s time to strike a balance between the nothing and the everything.

It’s the New York City way, to pack in as much as possible, but it doesn’t have to be. And not everyone who makes their life here lives that way. As I move into this new phase, I will still have my beloved projects, relationships and commitments, but I’m going to make it my priority to create more time and space between them all too. That down time is something I am starting to require (as I grow gray hair).

I want to be able to cook dinner. Once in a while. And I don’t want to have to schedule it all out to make it fit into my day. I just want to, say, shop for the ingredients in a leisurely fashion, come home, turn on some music or the news and stand around in my kitchen putting it all together. Patiently, calmly, maybe with a glass of wine, maybe without nagging hunger begging me to scrap it all and order Chinese food because it’s 11:30pm and I’m ravenous and going to start throwing a temper tantrum if I don’t eat soon.

I don’t even know what that lifestyle is like, the one where you cook dinner. I honestly haven’t a clue. I’m about to turn 29 years old and I’ve never had that kind of lifestyle. I’m not complaining, I’m just observing. Luckily, it’s up to me to make it so. Maybe I’ll hate it! Can’t wait to find out.

Maybe I’ll get really into decorating my apartment! Or collecting cheap, cute necklaces! Or sewing! (Probably not sewing.) (But maybe!)

Blue and I had drinks and dinner on Saturday night. It was great to spend some time with her and catch up – we had a lovely chat in which we were both able to talk about stuff that was on our minds. It’s a blessing to have her in my life right now, to be able to bounce things off each other and reflect back to each other our experience of these similar journeys we’re on.

After having quit her table-waiting job a little over a month ago, she’s nearing the end of her “30 Days.” It was a month during which she planned to avoid survival jobs, to pursue work she’s passionate about and to find out more about herself. Not surprisingly, this month has taken her places and given her experiences that she wasn’t anticipating. It’s so exciting to hear where she is with it all mentally, and how open she is to laying her expectations aside and responding to her own needs. She’s been doing an excellent job of letting any judgment, her own or other people’s, fall away and that’s not an easy task. I recommend checking out her blog entries about this last month. It’s interesting and inspiring to read her progress.

It wasn’t a coincidence that on my walk to meet up with her on Saturday night I’d been thinking about what my own experience will be like once I’m no longer working. I wonder where I’ll be a month and a half from now. I definitely feel a sense of pressure, applied by myself and no one else, to “figure it out.” To come up, rather quickly, with a new career, a new path, a focused direction out of all these things I’m invested in, and one that can generate income right away. I realized that I’ve been subconsciously telling myself that right now! is the time I should be figuring out that new path – while I’m still at the desk job and I have the time and the paycheck to do so in a risk-free setting. I’ve been telling myself that once I leave here, it is my duty to begin walking down the new path that I’ve neatly laid out. And ASAP.

Ugh. I’ve got to stop telling myself that stuff. Because that’s not what I want out of this.

I’m so done with “asap.” Honestly. Enough is enough with the pressure and the time lines and all the judgment that comes with how long stuff takes, or what pit stops you make along the way. I don’t want to let people down, let myself down, or appear like I made the wrong choice. But I just can’t worry about that. I cannot worry about other people’s expectations for this process, or other people’s feelings that it was a mistake that I quit my job. Any and all success I’ve had in my life has come from following my own time line and listening to my own needs, not adhering to someone else’s. I’m reminded of that saying that goes something like, “Be yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks of you. The people who matter don’t care, and the people who care don’t matter.” Amen.

There is no time line. There is no race. I’m not in any hurry to create anything for myself other than a sense of peace and contentment. And that can come in many forms. I didn’t quit this job so that I could magically manifest the next perfect-for-me career and walk right into it after 3.75 weeks of relaxation and 1.25 weeks of pre-planning.

I quit this job because I’ve never had an opportunity to do something like this before. I quit this job because I never intentionally chose to make a career out of office administration, I just ended up doing so. And now I intentionally choose NOT to do so any longer. I’ve spent the last seven years cleaning up the messes I made in college, paying my penance. There were bills to pay and debt to tend to and weight to lose and emotional baggage to pack into smaller suitcases. Following my professional bliss didn’t seem to fit anywhere within that, nor did I have the emotional maturity to handle something like that at the time. It meant I took the jobs I could get, not the jobs I wanted.

For the first time in my adult life, I don’t have to do something I don’t want to do, be someone I’m not, just because my circumstances make it so. There is such a simple freedom in that.

Right now, I want to know who I am when all I have to do in a day is to cook a healthy dinner. I want to know who I am when I don’t have to show up to an office job every day. I want to know who I am when I have free time to practice yoga, keep my apartment tidy and spend time doing the things that make me happy. I want to know who I am without a weight loss project at my feet, without needing more therapy, without relationships to repair. I’ve learned a lot about myself by writing this blog for the last nine months and by talking to other people who are on or have experienced similar journeys. But I have to continue the learning process now by doing the actual field research. I know I’m very lucky to have the chance to do this, but I’ve worked hard for it, so I guess it’s not really luck so much as it is privilege.

If I stay open to the possibilities and commit myself, when I finally leave this job (three more work weeks!), to doing things that make me feel fulfilled, pursuing work I’m passionate about, and slowing down so that I can fully take in this big, beautiful life I have, I know that the right career path for me will eventually emerge out of that. However long it takes.

It might be right away, but it might not. It might be an instant, obvious choice, but it might not be. I might have already discovered it, or maybe I haven’t. I might have to go work in a cafe, at a bookstore, with children, with old people, with animals, selling shoes, making sandwiches – to make ends meet – or maybe I won’t. Maybe any one of those jobs is the new path. And maybe it’s not.

I’m going to have to constantly remind myself that this is not a race. That I am not on a time line. I’m also going to have to remind myself that my success and happiness is not based on my pace, the amount of activities I can cram into a day, or how far I try to spread my energy. I’m going to have to remind myself that if I show up to my grandparents’ house at Christmas time with a measly job as a coffee shop barista and the announcement that I’m “gonna write a book!” or I’m “gonna travel the world!” or I “still don’t have health insurance!” it’s okay if they all look at me sideways, try to talk me out of it, or don’t talk to me at all. Too bad for them. I’m pretty cool if you get to know me.

My ultimate goal is to create:

A career that lets me feel happy and fulfilled.
A career that allows me to create a work/life balance.
A career that provides me with financial abundance.

That will happen someday, maybe sooner, maybe later. The immediate goal is to discover that career by spending my time in ways that fill me up and make me happy – pursuing projects I’m interested in, spending time with people I enjoy being around, and doing things that I like to do.

This particular blog entry will serve as a reminder for me, something to read and feel encouraged by if I start wondering what the hell I’ve done.

now what?

Although it’s only been two weeks since I took the plunge and quit my job, it seems like much more time has passed. I still believe it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I generally feel more open to what’s possible than I was before. There is such a difference between talking about doing something and actually doing it.

I’ve come to realize through conversations with friends and even conversations with my boss, that there really are artistic/creatively-minded people in the world who simply aren’t cut out to work in non-creative environments. I also do believe that almost anything can be classified as creative and almost everybody is creative in one way or another – that all human beings long to express themselves creatively, whether that be in traditionally creative ways like painting or dancing or drawing, or other ways that aren’t so obvious. We use our brains in creative ways all the time.

However, there are certain people whose need for a specifically artistic outlet is almost as involuntary as breathing – people who are so drawn to artistic expression that they wouldn’t actually be able to recognize their lives without it. I used to roll my eyes at this idea, that there could be a “need” to create art – even the word “artist” sometimes makes me feel weird. I do have to humbly admit that I am one, though. For whatever it’s worth.

The bottom line, for me personally, is that I’ve been a less-than-perfect employee at almost every single office or retail job I’ve ever had. I haven’t been a bad employee in most instances, I just haven’t “lived up to my potential,” or done the work “I’m capable of doing,” (just like I didn’t do in math class in high school). As I’ve said a hundred times on this blog before, these kinds of jobs are not my thing. I don’t respond to them, I don’t like them, and I feel I can’t really be myself at them. Maybe that’s my own fault, but where ever the blame can be placed doesn’t matter. I have felt guilt, shame and defensiveness about not being into these kinds of jobs for as long as I can remember.

Conversely, I’ve never once in my entire life had those negative sorts of feelings about creative “jobs.” Every artistic endeavor, from performing, to writing, to teaching or coaching comedy groups, to baking has felt completely natural to me. I’m always happy to participate, I always feel like I can be myself in those environments, and I’m never a bad employee. It could certainly be argued that this is because those kinds of jobs are “easy.” But they’re not, really. They’re easy when you love them, yes. But I would imagine they’re scary and hard in the eyes of someone who has no interest in performing or writing or any of the rest of it. In the same way a job as a mathematician would be terrifying to me, a job as a performer or a writer might be terrifying to someone else.

So now that I’ve re-established for the umpteenth time that I’m not cut out for the office (do you get the sense I’m telling myself more than I’m telling you?), what the hell am I specifically going to do when I leave this job??

First of all, my last day at the office has changed. It’s actually going to be October 16. One month from today! Yes, it supposed to be at the end of September but now it will be October 16. It’s a long story but that’s the deal. It’s a good thing – it will give me two more weeks to organize my life post-desk-job and that’s just fine. I’m back up at the reception desk for this last month and I’m able to get a lot of my personal work done during the day. The extra time, frankly, is sort of a relief, since I think it will go a long way to helping me feel more prepared for this transition.

I’m saving my pennies and I will have a nice little nest egg built up when I leave here. It’s not much, but it’s enough that I will feel relatively secure for a little while. I’m so incredibly proud that I’ve been able to do that, as I’ve been notoriously bad with my money in past lives.

In terms of what I will actually do with myself and my time the first day I no longer work here: Well. We’ll see! I get giddy and butterflies-in-the-tummy like a little kid when I think of it. The idea that my time will be my own, the idea that I will be able to wake up, do some yoga if I feel like it or take a walk if I feel like it, cook myself a big breakfast, or a small breakfast, travel into the city if need be, lay on the couch and write if need be, do laundry in the middle of the day if need be, go to the market every single day to make fresh, simple meals – it’s all thrilling. The options are endless and I’m so eager to find out how I will end up spending my time.

At first, I plan to give myself a week “off.” I want to get to know myself in a no-obligation environment because I’m not sure I have any true idea of how I will feel and behave with that kind of freedom. It’s almost terrifying. Except that it’s awesome.

And after a week of basically doing nothing so important, a week of “vacationing,” if you will, I’m going to start actively pursuing work that I’m passionate about, as though it were my full time day job. I’m going to start writing more, I’m going to maybe seek out more performance opportunities, I’m going to say yes to interesting projects that come my way, I’m going to brainstorm and daydream and follow-through on my ideas, I’m going to continue to build the bakery and perhaps actively seek out more clients (The dozens and dozens of orders Faryn and I have done so far have all been from word of mouth – everyone has come to us! It will be interesting to see how the business will grow if and when we start going after the orders.), I’m going to keep myself mentally and physically tended to, because that stuff is so important to me, I’m going to tend to my home, to our kitchen, to feeding Kevin and my bellies with fresh, healthy food, I’m going to perform in my comedy shows and enjoy the hell out of it. And after a month or so of that sort of full time work, I’ll reassess and see where I’ve landed.

It might mean getting a part time job around the holidays, or it might not. I’m leaving myself open to any and all possibilities and I’m not closing any doors. The fact that I’ll be able to live this way at all, even if it’s only for a little while (though I’m anticipating it being much longer than a little while) is such a gift and a blessing.

My best, novice advice to someone who wants to create this kind of opportunity for themselves is to start saving your money NOW. I started this savings account in January of 2008, so almost two years ago. And I’ve been putting a meager $50 into it every month. Nothing more, nothing less. $50. I didn’t know at the time that it would be my desk-job-escape fund. I was just saving to save. And as the months passed and my daydream to leave my desk job turned into a reality, I started seeing that little savings account as my ticket out of here. I’ve found other ways to pad it up since then, cutting corners (with the envelope method!), taking a second look at some old taxes and finding a bunch of a money that’s owed to me by the IRS, avoiding buying big ticket items right now because I just don’t need them as much as I need and want to live a life more suited to me – and now it’s all added up in such a way that I feel responsible and able to make this transition.

It’s going to be scary, it’s going to be uncertain, but it’s actually happening. I still can’t believe it’s true.

how we’ve changed

Since I quit my job almost two weeks ago, my blog has been getting a lot of traffic related to people searching for things like “should I quit my job?” and “when to quit a job I hate,” and “should I quit before or after my holiday bonus?”

Of course, since I wrote a post with the words “quit” “my” “job” and “today” sprinkled repeatedly throughout it, the search engines are going to direct people to my site. There were certainly just as many people searching for those kinds of questions the day before I quit as there were the day after. But with my new window into who’s searching for job-quitting, it’s very interesting to realize how many people scour the internet every day with dreams of leaving their current work situation and the intention, theoretically, of finding something better.

I was talking to my friend and improv teammate Brett Wean (Follow him on twitter because he is a very funny tweeter.) on the bus ride up to Boston this past weekend about a variety of thought-provoking topics, including the idea that our parents and their parents didn’t necessarily have the luxury, nor the mindset, of only pursuing work that made them feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe that’s an overstatement or a vast generalization, but I wonder. My mom wanted to be a physical therapist before she found out she was unexpectedly pregnant. She became a teacher because her mother told her that’s what she had to do if she was going to be a young, single mom. Being a teacher ultimately became a job that made her feel happy and fulfilled, but who knows if she would have chosen it if she hadn’t been forced to do so by her circumstances. I suppose hers is not a story unique to her generation. Her story could happen to anyone at any time in history.

Even so, whether due to an overall way of thinking as a culture, or due to an economic need, or due to a societal expectation, I would imagine that many people in the generations before mine ended up in jobs, jobs that they kept for their entire lives in some cases, that weren’t exactly their true bliss or passion. And maybe, in at least some of those instances, the person was able to turn the career in which they found themselves into a passion.

My grandfather is an interesting example. He played pro-baseball when he was a young man. He was a fantastic ball player, from what I hear, and traveled all around the country playing in ball clubs and managing teams. He managed the Yankees when they were a minor league team, and roomed with Mickey Mantle – they grew up playing on the same farm team, and ended up remaining friendly colleagues and teammates for a long time.

The stories my grandfather tells from his years playing baseball are some of the most fascinating, exciting and passionate stories you’ll ever hear. (He’s also a fantastically gregarious story teller, in general. He could make a blank piece of paper sound interesting.)

He maintained his career in baseball and his passion for the game even as he was starting a family. His young wife and their two oldest children traveled around the country with my grandfather while he got paid to play professional sports. Ultimately, though, he realized that he needed to give up this dream to provide a more stable life for his family. His wife desperately wanted to return to her home town, she missed her mother and her siblings and the place she knew so well, and they were planning to have more children, so it seemed the sensible thing to do. (Incidentally, this was a reality my grandfather relayed to me when I was a teenager and I announced that I wanted to be an actor. He tried to explain to me how he gave up his dream to do the responsible thing and that I should consider doing the same. Needless to say, this didn’t make me want to be an actor any less, it made me wonder why on earth he would ever give up something he loved.)

So my grandparents returned to Illinois, set up their roots in Quincy, where my mother and I were both born, and there my grandfather, now retired from baseball, worked himself to the bone. He enrolled in a college hours and hours away from his family to get a business degree, he worked at a shoe store to pay the bills, he bought a small plot of land and raised cows and other farm creatures, and he eventually became a teacher and worked his way up through the school system until he retired as Assistant Superintendent of the School Board when I was a little girl. Since he retired he’s had several other careers because the man just cannot stop working. He’s since been a principal of a Head Start program for underprivileged children and principal of the Catholic grade school – all this after he “retired.” He feels idle if he’s not involved in something and at almost 80 years old (his 80th birthday is next week!) he now runs his local Golf Club, helping the club to eschew a potential closing while we all weather the bad economy.

The point is, the man’s passion may have once been baseball, but when he became a father, his passion became his family, and when he became an educator, his passion became being a great teacher and creating a better school system. When he became a grandfather, he took it on with glee – you’ll never meet a man more enamored with his grandchildren. And when he became a golfer…well, he loves golf. He’s an example of someone whose circumstances forced him away from his “dream job” and toward a more practical lifestyle, but he’s also an example of someone who was able to find happiness and fulfillment in almost anything he did.

It makes me wonder if we are living in a time that is so fundamentally different from the days when my grandfather was young – a time where the options for careers are so plentiful, where the rhetoric that we can be anything we dream of being is so prevalent, where the dot com boom allowed us to watch our ridiculously young peers become overnight millionaires, where the economic depression and the expensive wars don’t have nearly the devastating personal impact (in some cases, at least) that they had the first time our nation saw them, and a time when the world moves at such a pace that we probably all have a mild case of attention deficit disorder – it all makes me wonder if many of us would not be so easily able to innately find a sense of happiness in the kind of life my grandfather found himself building after he left his dream job, a life based on making the responsible, safe, selfless choice.

To be fair, there are countless men and women in today’s culture who do make the responsible, safe and selfless choice every single day, men and women who have found themselves in situations where they might not be able to follow a childhood dream because they have to pay bills and support a family. And I would imagine that many of those people have been able, like my grandfather did, to find their bliss within that way of life. That is a wonderful thing and I do not judge their lifestyle nor how fulfilling they find it. Everyone’s bliss is their own and simple dreams are just as beautiful and important as lofty ones. Conversely, there are countless others in today’s culture who have chosen, probably in numbers greater than ever before, to set aside the idea that all our choices have to be responsible, logical and stable, and who are quitting jobs and leaving careers in the interest of seeking out those wild fantasies and daydreams.

I’m leaving my desk job, complete with a decent salary, stability and health insurance benefits, because I do not want to work here anymore. I cannot imagine that the option to just up and quit a job like this was a true possibility, or perhaps even a desire, for someone who had a job like mine sixty years ago. I’m going to have to spend some time asking my grandparents when I see them next about whether or not people followed their bliss when their generation was young. Did people seek out the kind of careers and lifestyles that they dreamed of having? Like so many of us seem to eager, willing, and capable of doing today? Or did people find a job that suited their needs and then stay in it, no matter what else they dreamed of having or doing, because that’s just what people did?

I’m not remotely ashamed of the fact that the tide of our culture has turned in such a way to find its inhabitants, young and old, seeking out careers that truly inspire them, and pursuing paths, projects and goals that they dreamt about pursuing as children. I think it’s a wonderful direction for a culture to take itself, where more and more people are searching for their dream life. It’s also very interesting to juxtapose today’s culture, where google searches about “I’m desperate to quit a job I hate” are prevalent, with yesterday’s. You have to wonder – if the internet was around 60 years ago, would people have googled “I want to quit my job” as often as they do today.

There’s absolutely nothing to judge about either culture. Both have their merits and are a sign of the times in which they’ve existed. It’s just fascinating to notice how we’ve changed.

a brooklyn job hunt

So yesterday was an interesting day. It was certainly not a normal day for me.

After getting dressed and finding myself some breakfast, I slathered on sunscreen, packed up my stack of resumes, gave Kevin a big smooch, and headed out the door. I was looking forward to the afternoon. At worst, I’d have a lovely walk through sunny Brooklyn on a day I’d otherwise be inside staring at a computer. And at best, I’d find a million dollars in an envelope on a park bench. Or a new job. Whichever.

Since I’m not eleven, I can vividly remember a time when there was no internet. Although I wasn’t part of the work force at the time, I remember knowing that you found a job by looking through a newspaper, asking a friend to refer you, or walking into the place where you wanted to work. But I didn’t enter the work force until the internet was a big part of the world. So with the exception of a few odd jobs I landed through word of mouth or friend referrals, I’ve usually found work by searching for it online, as I’m sure is the case for most people my age and in my socio-economic class. That’s why it felt incredibly foreign to be walking around in the outside world yesterday, expecting to say not to just one person, but hopefully to dozens, “Are you hiring?”

I did what I often do in potentially intimidating situations like this. I just imagined that this was something I did all the time, and something that I felt really confident doing it. Luckily, that method worked and the I’m A Big Weirdo feeling went away pretty early on.

When I left the apartment, I first walked to the nearby grade school. I had this daydream that I’d find some non-teacher work there, anything they had available, maybe even a lunch lady job (!). I’d have to get up early to work at the school, sure, but I’d be done every day by 3pm. And my commute would be the 46 steps to and from to my front door. But when I got to the school, I found it was closed. It is summer, after all.

So my first attempt didn’t work out. I decided, however, not to let the circumstances of the day impact my mood too much one way or the other. I knew I wasn’t embarking on this experience with unrealistic expectations of finding a job, nailing the interview, being offered the position, and walking home with my first paycheck in my pocket. I knew it was going to be a afternoon filled with unknowns and there was no right or wrong way to do it. So I let that be my guide. I reminded myself that I was likely to get hot, tired of walking around in the summer sun, hungry, maybe even lonely. So whenever I felt one of those things, I just dealt with it. I sat down, or found some water, or checked my email on my blackberry.

I’m making it sound like I was on an eight month jungle safari, right?

Ten or twelve years ago, walking around my neighborhood on a hot summer day asking for jobs would have been my idea of human torture. And if I found myself doing so, it would have almost certainly been inflicted upon me by my mother, who would have, for one annoying reason or another, insisted I leave the house and not come back for X number of hours or until I had a job, which ever came first. (Had she ever done that, which she didn’t, I probably would have parked my butt on a curb somewhere and waited for the sun to go down before coming home and claiming that I’d dropped a bunch of resumes off and I should have a job in a matter of hours.)

Anyway, after the lunch lady dream was dashed, I kept walking. My immediate neighborhood isn’t necessarily the kind of place I’d expect to find a job. It’s mostly hair salons, take-out restaurants, and 99 cent stores. I’m certainly not above working in any of those places, but I was hoping for something that would pay a reasonable hourly rate. I didn’t think I’d find that at “De Bamboo Express.” So I walked for a quite a while, stopping once at a dentist’s office (“No, I’m sorry. We’re not hiring.”) and once at a coffee shop (“No, but you can leave a resume.”) and I eventually found myself outside my immediate neighborhood and into one nearby. I ended up the Brooklyn Library for a few minutes. I used their restroom AND dropped off a resume. Two birds.

Then I stopped for ice cream and a sit-down. And after I finished my sweet treat, I was ready to go again. I ended up walking up and down all kinds of streets that I’ve often driven down or walked by, but never really explored. I popped into every shop or establishment that seemed appropriate and I was gaining more confidence after each attempt. “Hi. I was wondering if you guys are hiring?” It was a question that seemed to first surprise most people, but it was also met with a certain level of respect, and then kindness. I probably would have felt the same if I were in their shoes. I imagined myself sitting at my current job, looking up to find a girl like me standing in the lobby with a folder tucked under her arm. I would have thought, “This girl is walking around in the heat, pounding the pavement to find a job. She’s just walked right in here and bravely asked me if we’re hiring. I would never do that. She must really need a job. And she must be brave.”

It was sort of fun to dream up what these people might think of me – that I’d been laid off, been out of work for weeks or months, had a family to support, that I was broke, that I’d been competing for jobs on the internet for so long, without any progress, that I’d gotten fed up and decided to strike out on my own. I can only assume that’s what I would have thought about me if I were them. It was funny to remind myself that none of that stuff is true, that I was choosing to do this – that I have a job with a decent salary and health insurance, a job that I had to take a vacation day from in order to walk around asking people for another job, that I’m not broke, that I haven’t been laid off, that I’m just looking to change my circumstances. It was a much different situation than I’ve been in before when on this kind of hunt. In fact, this might be one of the first times in my life I’m actually looking for a new job because I want to, not because I have to. It’s fun. Almost like shoe shopping. Almost.

I walked into dozens of places. Some I left resumes, some I didn’t. If didn’t feel good about the place, I wasn’t going to waste my time asking if they wanted me to work there. That would defeat the purpose. I stopped in a bunch of cafes, some stores, a couple yoga studios and office buildings. I avoided traditional restaurants, having had absolutely no restaurant experience whatsoever in my entire life. I didn’t think my chances were good at a restaurant, I didn’t really want to lie about my experience and I didn’t know the first thing to say if I were to be asked questions about waiting tables or serving food. I’m sure I could make something up, but I was worried it would seem obvious that I was lying (and that I was terrified.).

Many places gave me their cards, directed me to email addresses to send a resume to, or websites to visit to check on their hiring status (ironic). A bunch of places said they’d just gone through a round of hiring, but it couldn’t hurt to submit my resume so they could have it on file. Near the end of my journey, I was finally able to fill out an application at a coffee shop in Park Slope that I’ve always liked. My resume, overflowing with administrative and receptionist positions, probably didn’t look too appealing to whomever reviewed the application later that evening. I hadn’t even considered changing it around to put the focus on my customer service experience, to mention my food handlers license, or to write a nice, cheery objective, like, “I hope to work as a counter person at a friendly Brooklyn café.” I felt silly handing my office worker resume to these trendy café servers, but I did it. And the act of doing it matters for something, I’m sure.

Once I’d hit the three-hour mark, it was time to head home. Surprisingly, I wasn’t terribly tired or hungry. Years of living in New York City builds one’s endurance for hot days where lots of walking is involved. But I did have an appointment to get to (An interview I conducted for this blog – to be posted soon!) and I didn’t want to be late.

When I got home, Kevin greeted me with lots of kisses and hugs and “I’m so proud of you!”s. That was reward enough for my full afternoon. While I sat on the couch and stared off into space, I thought about the business cards I collected from the different bakeries and cafes, the variety of people I’d met, the Brooklyn daytime culture I’d gotten to experience, and how genuinely nice every single person I spoke to was. No one was rude to me when I asked if they were hiring, no one was short with me, or even indifferent. They were all employees who’d been, in one way or another, standing my shoes at some point, and they were all more than happy to spend a few seconds of their time answering my questions and making sure I didn’t feel stupid for asking.

I learned that I need to have a more appropriate resume if I expect to get a non-office job without having any non-office experience. I learned that it’s awesome to be walking around outside on a beautiful, warm weekday. And I was reminded that I can be outgoing when I decide to be.

I’m not sure what’s in store for me in terms of getting a job in Brooklyn. I’m keeping an eye out for opportunities online and I think I might pop back into a few places here and there when I get a chance (with the right sort of resume, of course). Most importantly, and this was really the goal to begin with, I know that the very act of doing what I did yesterday was valuable for me as I continue to create momentum and build connections. Those will all come together someday to construct that magical bridge, which I know will appear when I least expect it, to lead me out of this desk job. It’s not a bad job. I just want something different for my life.

(Oh and by the way, to throw a little humble pie in here, coming back to work this morning to sit in a comfortable chair, at a place where I know the rules and parameters, and can expect my paycheck at the end of the week? It wasn’t so bad.)

goals

I was talking to Kevin last night about a goal I’ve been thinking about setting, something I’ve been stepping lightly around, but not committing to. As Blue so wisely noted on her blog recently, the act of toying around with a goal, rather than just making up your mind, setting the goal, and moving on from there, can be a bit paralyzing. And it’s also a waste of time. You can hem and haw for as long as you’d like about whether or not to try for something. That’s the easy way out. It’s also boring for you, lacks courage, and can be annoying for the people who have to listen to you talk about it. It isn’t until you actually make the active choice to work toward something, despite any of the pitfalls or challenges you imagine, that you open yourself up to the possibility of going anywhere.

I don’t mean that to sound harsh. I obviously struggle with this myself, or I wouldn’t be writing about it. Chatting with Kev last night, I could feel myself stepping around the idea setting this goal, but not committing to it. And then I realized, sort of in an instant, why I’d been doing that. I was reminded of something about success, something I’ve experienced a few other times with successful experiences I’ve had like fulfilling my goal of getting into NYU, my weight loss, or being part of a talented sketch comedy group. I was reminded that success is scary. That’s not a new revelation, but it came up for me last night.

I thought about this: Sometimes we toy around with setting a goal. And maybe we don’t set the goal because we don’t know what achieving it might entail, we don’t know how hard it will be once we make a go at it, we don’t know all the bits and pieces that might have to add themselves up to make it possible, we’re afraid of failing. But maybe also, and maybe more likely, we don’t set the goal because we’re afraid that once we decide, “I’m gonna go for this!” we will find out that we really, REALLY want it. We want it even more than we thought we did. And if we don’t achieve it? We’ll be heartbroken. Maybe we avoid setting the goal because we don’t want to find out that we want something so much. So if we never say, “I’m gonna go for this!” then we never have to be disappointed. Because we never gave it our all anyway. “Pffft, who cares that it didn’t happen. I didn’t even really try.”

Know what I mean?

Success, or striving for success, is terrifying. What if we put 100% of ourselves toward our dream and we still don’t get there? What if we get there and it’s totally not what we hoped, not what we expected, isn’t the thing that’s gonna make us glad to get up in the morning? There are so many things to be terrified about when it comes to setting goals.

I rattled off to Kevin last night a list a million miles long about why I might not be able to achieve this new goal. I can’t, it will be hard, someone else is better, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, it’s not in the cards for me and ON and ON and ON. And I heard myself saying that crap and I knew it was all crap. And then I realized that there was this little flutter in my heart that got so cramped up with emotion and excitement every time I even thought about finally committing to, “I’m gonna go for this!” and that little flutter? It means I want this. I obviously want to set this goal and then make it come true. And I’m obviously really scared of letting myself feel that. Because what if I fail? Or what if I succeed? THEN what.

Sorry I’m not saying what the goal is. I know that’s weird. But I’ll share it soon.

So I gotta go for it, because there’s only one thing more tragic than a goal not met. And that is a goal never even attempted.

so…

I’ve been inspired by a handful of things lately, the least of which include:

• My dear friend Blue who stood up to her boss and quit her job because it just wasn’t working for her any more.
• I had a nice chat with Kath from Kath Eats yesterday. I was interviewing her about the fact that she left a desk job she didn’t like to pursue something that she did. (I’ll post that article soon! Lots of good stuff…) I asked her if she had any advice for someone who might be looking to do the same and she said, “If you want the change bad enough, your paycheck shouldn’t matter.” That stuck with me.
• I’m reading a book called The Baker’s Trade, a book Kevin gave to me for our one-year anniversary of living together, and as challenging as that book makes this whole baking business seem, it also makes it seem within my grasp. It’s a wonderful, noble, interesting profession, but it’s not rocket science.
• My old therapist, Karen, someone who was not just instrumental, but absolutely essential in me changing my life around seven years ago, found my blog. Actually, a reader – Hi, Ally! – asked me for some advice about someone she could talk to about her recent career change, and her feelings surrounding it. I gave her Karen’s phone number, recommending her highly. So when Ally called Karen to make an appointment, she mentioned that she’d gotten her number through me and my blog. Karen, who I haven’t talked to in a few years, looked the blog up out of curiosity and left a lovely comment. It made my day. It’s great to have someone like Karen in my corner, someone who knew me when. And hearing from her was a firm reminder of how far I’ve come, and how capable I am of making this happen for myself. It makes me think about how this won’t be the first time I’ve been able to achieve something seemingly insurmountable. (Thank you, Ally, for being part of that reconnection.)
• I remembered this: When I was in college (or when I’d dropped out of college, or when I was back IN college), I was BROKE. And by the time I finally graduated, I’d gathered up so many little odd debts and bills and places to owe money that it took me years to get them all paid off. None of them were that large, they were just little things that I was trying to clear off my credit report. And I eventually did it, but it was such an annoying strain on my income. And now? I don’t have those kinds of bills anymore. I’ve even recently put a freeze on my gym membership in the interest of saving money during these summer months (I’m jogging outside, and doing yoga in my living room). So not only do I not need a ton of money to live right now, I also know how to live frugally, because I did it for years. And I wouldn’t mind doing it again for a couple weeks or months if I really had to. Black beans from a can are delicious.

Inspired by all that, it dawns on me that I can leave this darn desk job pretty much anytime I want to. If I stay, I’m staying for the money. If I stay, I’m staying for the stability, for the extra deposit into my savings account every month, for the health insurance, for the option to eat out once a week. And there’s nothing wrong with that stuff. That’s all great stuff! But it’s also why I’m staying and that’s something I have to know. 

In another six months, will I be suddenly much more financially stable? Will I be suddenly unneeding of health insurance? What will be different then? Won’t I still then wish for just a little more money in my savings account, for just a little more certainity in my plan? I guess I’m staying, for the moment, because I’m convinced I’ll be able to get my ducks in a straighter row if I have just a little more time. But there’s got to be a cap on that “just a little more time,” because I could easily spend another two years getting my ducks in a row. And what’s the point of that? I could also be dead in two years.

Don’t you just want to shake me by the shoulders and yell, SO QUIT ALREADY.

I will, I will. I’m just reminding myself why I haven’t yet.

Here’s a few items from a list I made on Monday entitled, “to Quit Desk Job.”

• get annual physical (one last hurrah before no health insurance)
• go to dentist (same)
• determine new budget (this is where the canned black beans come in)
• apply for bakery jobs (I’ll probably have to work part time somewhere – seems like a good place to do it)
• get new F& J site up and running (you’ll be able to order online!)
• lessen independence on internet-for-fun (yes, that’s actually on my list – what a time waster!)
• plan for 1 week vacay in between quitting and starting the next thing (because mama needs her rest)

I didn’t put the entire list here because some items are personal, some are secrets that I’ll tell you someday, and some are just embarrassing. But I’m proud to have made the list at all. You’d think I would have made it long ago, but I wasn’t this close until now.

I wouldn’t say I’m days away from quitting. But I will say that I can see it in the distance. And oh boy does it look wonderful.

Why does money, ugly, ugly money, have to be such an enticing pull in the other direction?

13 things I’ve learned so far

I’ve been keeping this log of my journey to leave my desk job and do what I love for over 7 months now. That’s not a very long time, but a lot has happened since I began writing in January. I have yet to actually quit my job, though I’m growing closer every day. I have, however, waded through a long list of potential new careers and taken several big steps toward starting my own business (a bakery!) with a good friend. I’ve also written something about the process almost every day.

I don’t think I’d be making these strides if I wasn’t sharing the experience with all of you as I go. Writing about what I hope to accomplish, what I have already accomplished, and how I’m inspired by your accomplishments has given me the accountability necessary to turn my hopes and plans into reality. And this blog has opened up conversations and friendships in my day-to-day life that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

Seven years ago, when I was 21, I set out on a different kind of journey. It was a journey to lose 115 pounds, climb out of my chronic depression, and turn myself around from the homeless, jobless, college dropout I’d become. I’d just been dumped by an abusive, codependent, toxic boyfriend and I was at my rock bottom. It was an isolated and dark time for me, during which I had no choice but to face my situation alone and own up to the world I’d created for myself. I realized that only I could improve my circumstances. No one else. I didn’t have a blog then, nor did I have the incredible system of support and inspiration I have today. But I did have, even when things were at their very worst, a belief in myself, however small, that I was capable of achieving what seemed impossible.

I ultimately succeeded, slowly but surely, in changing every aspect of my situation for the better. And that personal victory confirmed for me that we all possess the ability to do what we put our minds to. It’s a simple, universal concept which endures because it’s true.

Empowered by my own return to grace, so to speak, I’ve since maintained the belief that I can do anything I decide to do, and I’ve used that conviction to fuel this new journey of mine. But I still have plenty to learn. So far, I’ve discovered (and written about) a handful of things in the last 7 months that have helped me form an exciting perspective on this new journey. I believe that these things apply to any journey to follow your bliss, whatever that might mean for you. So I want to share them.

I present to you:

13 Things I’ve Learned So Far On My Journey to Follow My Bliss

Each link takes you to the original post I wrote when I learned that particular lesson.

1.) Follow the path. Unless you are certain that you want to accomplish something really specific, like to become an American-Airlines-pilot-based-out-of-Denver-who-only-flies-weekdays, or a pilates-instructor-who-lives-in-Boston-and-teaches-women-in-their-40’s, the best way to follow your bliss is to follow the path as it presents itself to you. Decide what you hope for, what you dream of, but don’t be beholden to one way of getting there or one way it will look when you do. Be open to *not* knowing, and then put one foot in front of the other. You might not be able to see very far ahead, but all those single steps eventually add up to a whole journey. Be willing to trust in that.

2.) Happiness is not circumstantial. Sometimes people who find themselves in dire, desperate circumstances still have a positive, joyful outlook. And sometimes people who live what might seem like a perfect life, complete with success, fortune, family and opportunity are some of the most negative, unpleasant people around. You are the only person who decides what you value and how you feel about it. And you are the only person who can know if you’re waiting for something external to make you feel happy. When whatever it is finally comes along, will your world fall suddenly into place? Probably not. Practice happiness now. Few, if any, are the circumstances that are really going to change your outlook.

3.) Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your best friend. When you’re working toward something you dream of, judging yourself harshly can be one of the most treacherous obstacles in your path. For whatever reason, so many of us are experts on how to put ourselves down, while we lack the basic ability to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. But when our best friends are struggling or striving, we talk to them lovingly and patiently in order to help them along. Why should we not give ourselves the same respect? Children who are put down have an infinitely harder time succeeding than children who are lifted up. It’s no different for adults, so be nice to yourself first and always. You’re only human.

4.) You are built to adapt. Sometimes the journey to follow your bliss, whatever that might mean for you, finds you working a job you hate, or dealing with a problem that’s hard to face. And that’s all part of it. You have the right to decide how necessary that unpleasant stuff is – do you have to deal with it, or could you walk away from it? But if you’ve made the choice to stick around and muscle through it, know that you, as a human being, are naturally capable of adapting to things pretty quickly. That can be a blessing or a curse. It can mean you end up stuck in a situation that you tolerate for a lot longer than you mean to, or conversely, that you don’t mind working an odd job to make ends meet while you’re making bigger plans. Use to your advantage your innate ability to adapt to change, while still being mindful of whether or not it’s time to move on.

5.) Courage is essential. If you want something more, something different, if you’re hoping to achieve things you dream of achieving, you have to be willing to be courageous. And if you don’t feel courageous, fake it until you do.

6.) The struggle is part of the dream. This was a piece of wisdom imparted to me by my good friend and fellow improviser Phil Wells when I was having a string of bad days early on in the baking biz. His advice made me realize that someday I will look back on the struggles fondly, as times when I was learning and growing. The hard parts might not be pleasant in the moment, but when I remember that they’re all part of this colorful journey, I’m more willing to smile while I push through them. Plus, I’ll probably have some great stories to share when I’m a grandma.

7.) Practice moderation, not obsession. I had to learn to do this with exercise, because being obsessive about it was clouding up my focus. I firmly believe in exercise as a way to keep myself happy and healthy, but when my new endeavors started to take up lots of room in my schedule, I missed some workouts. And then I freaked out about it. Ultimately, I decided to get over myself and trust that I can be healthy in lots of ways – going for a run five times a week doesn’t always have to be one of them. Too much of anything that’s usually considered “healthy” – keeping a focused schedule, keeping a clean house, going to the gym, eating veggies, communicating your relationship woes to your partner – can tip the scales toward unhealthy if you don’t practice them in moderation. You will exhaust yourself and your body if you don’t let yourself off the hook. As you seek out your bliss, even if you are committed to working your butt off to get there, spend time doing what’s easy, relaxing and low-maintenance sometimes too. It will fuel you the rest of the time.

8.) Put it out there. And don’t be afraid to tell the whole story. This one isn’t for everyone, but for those of us who don’t mind sharing details about ourselves with others, it’s helpful to be open and honest with other people about your quest. You don’t have to have a blog to do so – the simple act of communicating your situation honestly to the people you can trust (“I want to move to another city.” Or, “I am trying to get out of a bad relationship.” Or, “I want to quit my office job.” Or, “I want to be a movie star.”) can open up conversations and opportunities you may have never had otherwise. People tend to respond warmly to someone who is forthcoming about their goals and dreams and it can be a strength-building experience to hear yourself saying the words out loud to another person. Plus, you never know what you’ll uncover.

9.) There are teachers everywhere. This is an idea that has been reinforced for me by doing the payday and guest book segments on this blog. When you begin to follow your bliss, you realize there are people and ideas everywhere that seem to support your efforts. You’ll read quotes in the newspaper, overhear a conversation, or see a movie trailer that all seem to have everything to do with exactly what you’re searching for. It’s not that they weren’t there before, it’s that you’re paying a different kind of attention now. All of the people, places and experiences in your life have something to teach you on this journey. If you are willing to let yourself be taught, even about stuff you think you already know, you’ll start to see almost everything as an opportunity to learn.

10.) Anything can be work. If your journey to follow your bliss is career related, this applies to you. No matter how much you love something, if it becomes your job, it becomes a job. Even if you’re thrilled to spend your time on it, there will be days when you don’t wanna. It doesn’t mean you love it any less and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Work is work. It’s hard, it’s rewarding, and if you enjoy what you do for work, you are lucky and blessed. Keep in mind that if you turn your passion into your career, it will change, even slightly, how you feel about that passion, for better or worse.

11.) Time will pass no matter what you do with it. God willing, you will wake up one day ten years from now, just like you woke up today. Only you can control whether or not that morning will look like this morning did. If you want something about your current situation to change, if you want to seek out what makes you happiest, you might as well start now. Because time waits for no one.

12.) Everything is a process. I don’t have an earlier blog entry to link to this. I was doing my Yoga Download session on Saturday and the woman on the podcast said, “Yoga is a process. Know this.” And it struck me as being true for everything, really. A relationship, a weight loss effort, a career, parenthood, childhood, learning to swim, learning to ride a bike, learning to articulate your needs, being a runner, being a world-champion ping-pong player – they are all processes. And the very nature of a process is that it contains periods of new growth, periods of setbacks and periods of no movement at all. It is a moving forward and a moving backward. And I realized that so many of us, myself included, tend to become upset with ourselves during the points in these life processes when there are setbacks or when growth is not happening constantly. And that is such a waste of precious energy and focus. Because there are SUPPOSED to be periods where growth is not happening constantly. That’s part of it, that’s how a process works. It’s the time when our bodies and brains are rewiring themselves, making the unfamiliar familiar, making the familiar habitual. If those periods of no-movement didn’t occur we wouldn’t actually learn or grow at all. So we’d be better off choosing to revel in the “setbacks” and the times without “forward” motion, because they actually indicate progress. And without them, we’d never improve.

13.) You can be anything. You can do anything, go anywhere, live any life. There are no limits but the ones you choose.

whatcha thinkin?

I’d love to get some feedback from you guys about what kind of stuff you’d like to see on this here blog. I try to mix it up by writing about the new baking biz, posting stories of other peoples’ journeys, people or institutions I admire and also sharing the more personal stuff like how my new cat hates me. But I’d love to know if there’s anything you’d like me to cover more or less of, from more interviews with people who are following their bliss to less opining from me about the world – anything.

I very much enjoy writing this blog and I hope that beyond using it to chronicle my own journey, it can inspire people who are also summoning the courage to do what they love with their lives. I have some thoughts on how to continue to do that, but I’d love to hear yours. Thank you very much, in advance, for your insight.

Leave a comment or shoot me an email at jenifercurran@gmail.com.

a self-refocus

I’m not sure when it started, or why, but I haven’t been terribly kind to my body for the last week or two. So much of my attention has been devoted to other stuff, like my relationship and my career path, which are important too. But it’s essential for me to have good “self” habits in place. Generally, those habits tend to be strong in my life. Sometimes though, they slip, and they’ve been slipping lately. All that means is that it’s time to refocus.

I exercised a lot this past week. I took a handful of yoga classes, went on a few jogs, ran some stairs and did some light pilates. Even though I put in that effort, my heart wasn’t really in it and most of them weren’t particularly exciting workouts. I certainly don’t think that a week of exercise is anything to scoff at – I’m always proud of myself for working out, but I know myself and I know I was just going through the motions last week.

I also paid very little attention to my food choices, overeating to the point of feeling uncomfortable on several occasions. To do that once in a while is totally natural, especially on a holiday weekend. To notice myself doing it a few times over the course of a few days is something to wonder about.

And I’ve also noticed I’m more into drinking alcohol lately. I’ve never been a very big drinker and I’ve gone long stretches without being interested in it at all. But I’ve recently been reaching for a couple glasses of wine, a few margaritas or a beer when it normally wouldn’t even cross my mind. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drinking in moderation (or even occasionally to excess). But, again, I know myself and I know that my wanting to drink more often than usual is something to notice. Maybe I’m bored? Maybe I’m battling a mild depression? Maybe I just want to ring in the summer with some liquid relaxation? It’s not something I’m upset about, but it is something I wonder about. Because when I drink more often, I have trouble sleeping, I end up eating crappy food and I’m grouchier. And none of that stuff feels good.

These things are not a big deal by any means. And trust me, I employ the cut-myself-some-slack option on the regular. I’m not a marathon runner, I’m not a nun, and I like to enjoy life’s pleasures, so I do. Plus I’m young and I don’t have kids – now is certainly the time to live it up. Still, I know that overeating, drinking more than usual and phoning in my workouts is uncommon for me. And doing those things too often, rather than on special occasions, keeps me from feeling my happiest.

I had a great time this weekend. As mentioned, I ate, drank and merried. It was lovely and relaxing. Kevin and I cleaned the apartment and spent a lot of quality time together. We also hung out with some good friends and really enjoyed the warm weather. Springy summer is finally here and despite my complaints about being indoors at the desk job, I’m happy. And I don’t need a huge plate of nachos to reinforce that.

Now that a new week is upon us, I’m eager to refocus with some healthy, fresh food choices, some top notch workouts and a few sober nights.